Results tagged “visitation” from Ye Olde Rad Blog III

Whenever I return the Bug, after having him a few days, it can be emotionally disorienting. I mean, for days he's my focus, my whole life. Then suddenly .. nothing. It's like part of me is ripped away.

Manny the Mammoth in Ice Age the MeltdownThere's a scene in Ice Age the Meltdown where Manny the Mammoth gets hit by an exploding geyser.

When the smoke clears, Diego the Sabertooth Tiger is standing in front of him, yelling for Manny to get up. But Manny hears only a distant echo. In his dazed state, everything looks pleasantly dreamy.

That's a decent representation of how I feel, sometimes. Shell-shocked. Numb. Like somebody tossed a flash-bang into my life.

It goes away. Always does. Usually after a few hours. So I know it's no big deal. But initially, it can be difficult to cope. There have been a few times when I've been driving, and forgotten where I was going, and had to turn around and head back home. (That sux.) Most of the time however, I just stare off into space.

Used to think there was something wrong with me .. until I heard other dads describe similar experiences.

Best to be alone during these times, cuz most people can't relate (understandably). Some even take the distance personally. A walk in nature is usually the best therapy.

It's not always this way. (Maybe every third or fourth week.) But I haven't been able to figure out the variables that accompany the disorienting times. They seem to follow no particular rhyme or reason. So I haven't been able to stop it.

Tho I suspect the more the separation bothers the Bug, the more it affects me. So I try to make the transition painless as possible.

"My daddy's here! My daddy's here!"


Haven't seen the Bug for nearly a month. (Missed both his birthday & Christmas.) He's been back East with his mom for the holidays (.. and then some). When I arrived this morning, he came running out to the curb shouting, "Daddy! Daddy!"

Rad's Pink Cadillac That was a first. (Normally I have to park & knock before I can see him in the morning.)

Didnt even have a chance to turn off the car.

There he was. His eyes literally sparkled .. like sunlight dancing on water.

So excited was I to SEE him .. that I fumbled with the key .. unable to pull it out fast enough.

"Daddy! Daddy!" he said, glowing with anticipation as I approached, "I got a treasure chest!" "A treasure chest?" I repeated, picking him up. "Let's go see!"

"Momma! Momma!" he cried, yanking open the door and running inside, "My daddy's here! My daddy's here!" The excitement in his voice seemed to fill the whole house as it echoed outside. (I'm not welcome inside.)

It always strikes me the way he says, "My daddy's here," when I arrive .. instead of just (plain ol'), "Daddy's here." Is that possessive?

Little kids are so honest. If they like you (or not) .. you know it .. in no uncertain terms.

Broken, Defeated, Dazed & Confused


Imagine a man you've never met, walks up and proceeds to (methodically) mount a bazooka on a tripod right in front of you, and then carefully aims the crosshairs at your heart before squeezing the trigger ..

Cannon.. and you have an idea of how I feel. Defeated, broken. Hollow. Dazed & confused (literally). Not good. It's not the end of the world. (Only feels like it.)

I watched a little of All the King's Men last night, before bed. One scene stood out (as if it were speaking to me), where Sean Penn is devastated by an injustice, while trying to do the right thing, and a man asks him, "What are you gonna do?"

And he answers (unsteadily, as if he's trying to talk himself into it), "I'm gonna keep the faith." Today I know that unsteady feeling.

There is definitely a temptation to "give up" .. to stop caring (because it hurts too much & all hope seems lost). But I don't think I am capable of that.

Spit in My Face


I was spit on today (08-08-08). Never been spit on before .. certainly not in my face, nor with such venom (think ยป cobra). Surprised me more than anything.

Spitting cobra

Someone would have to be pritty-mad to (even want to) spit in your face. Yes, I took a shower .. more however, to wash off the 'intangibles' than any salivary organics.

The anger was palpable. (Literally.) And for no stated reason. Just a general-purpose spray-down .. at high-velocity. Tho I might've sensed a hint of frustration.

I was holding the Bug at the time. My biggest concern is he might pick up on these uh, 'negative' emotions. (Hard not to.)

Othewise, spitting is so .. low-class. Juvenile. Ill-bred. What kind of person spits on someone? (After kindergarten.)

Took the Bug Back -- Despite


Took the Bug back to his mom this morning. He woke with a fever (102). No runny nose, no sneezing, no cough. Just a fever. Normally I'd keep him until later this afternoon.


The weird thing is .. we spent the day in court yesterday (uh, was not pretty) .. where I am doing everything I can to stay in his life.

I resist parenting stereotypes, but I truly believe moms are better at caring for sick children.

I've heard friends say things like, "The only time I ever felt love from my mother was when I was sick." (Sad, no?)

Dads, I feel, are better at things like .. taking kids to Disneyland, fishing, rock-climbing, fireworks, and bouncing on trampolines (fun stuff). So I am feeling conflicted. Plus, I always hate to see him sick.

A good dad, walking the beachMoms might be different, but I don't think dads can really know what type of parent they will be .. until actually faced with fatherhood.

I mean, certainly we all aspire to excel at one of life's most important roles .. but until we put hand to task, our preconceptions represent little more than wishful thinking.

A friend told me yesterday, "I always knew you'd be a good dad -- an *excellent* dad -- but you have exceeded even my expectations."

"How did you know?" I interrupted, fishing for more compliments, ".. that I'd be a good dad?" (Cuz I didn't know myself.)

"I just knew," he answered, declining to elaborate.

At the time, I was talking on my cell, walking at the Back Bay. (I have a small, but supportive network of friends I can call to help deal with things.)

The Back Bay is where I usually go after I give the Bug back to his mom, and can't see him for several days. Hiking in nature helps me process the feelings of loss that come from missing him.

There I saw a bobcat .. my first-ever out in the wild. Strikingly beautiful animal. Dark colors. Pointy ears. He did not seem alarmed by crossing paths with a human, passing within 15 feet (5 meters).

A lady following some distance behind said he was one of three offspring born several months ago, and that the mother-bobcat was much lighter in color. I know it sounds corny, but the sighting made the day feel special .. like when I spy dolphins, or a whale.

Sometimes, after I give the Bug back, it feels like my heart is ripped apart .. but this week was different. I felt *good* .. a sense of accomplishment .. satisfied I had done a good job, and content he was happy and developing well.


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