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Today is Miss Julie's birthday. She's 38. (Looks 19.) Was born in Santa Monica in '68. If you've been following developments here in Rad-land, you know how things with Miss Julie were moving along .. rather effortlessly. That's changed. (the sound of tires coming to a screeching halt) The relationship - I'm sad to say - has been officially downgraded to 'friendship'. "What happened?" Good question. Mistakes were made. ••• continued ••• I have a million-n-one thoughts on the subject. They way things came together - the timing and surrounding events - seemed downright providential. What I can say right now however is .. we still see each other regularly (both yesterday & today, for example), since I still live with her folks .. a situation which, as you might imagine, could be a little awkward. And it was at first, tho we seem to have ironed out things this week. The problem however, is that, being her 'friend' - tho best for us both - ain't as easy as I thought it would be. I still feel an attraction. When I see her, that aggressive thing inside flares up. Guys know what I'm talking about. It's that predatory impulse .. like when a panther spots its prey. She still makes me growl. It's not something I *try* to feel, mind you. Rather, it's automatic, instinctual, biological, primal. Heck, if I knew how to make it stop, I would. As you might imagine, it's somewhat distracting. Makes it hard to concentrate on what she's saying .. with these "other voices" speaking so enthusiastically. For my part, I simply pretend nothing's going on. Maybe, in time, it will go away. (I can only hope.) It's an awkward feeling .. like a racecar, that starts to accelerate, only to hit the brakes seconds later. Start & stop. Over & over. Again & again. Not very fun. Confusing. Frustrating. Unnatural. I tend to subscribe to a natural, organic view of life, as a reliable guide. In other words, if we have certain feelings, they're there for a reason. Are you hungry? That means you need to eat. Thirsty? Drink. Tired? Rest. You get the point. These are nature's guides. And (for the most part) they're reliable. Now I have spoken to beautiful women before, yet felt nothing .. even when I *wanted* to. Seems you can't manufacture these feelings. They're either there or they're not. Why they're there with some and not with others, I can't say. Who knows? So the fact that I *do* still feel something tells me something .. tho exactly what, I'm not sure. Like I said, maybe it will go away in time. Julie is going to ride her bike today .. up the boardwalk to Huntington Beach, with friends. She says I'm invited to come along (since I'm a 'friend', too). She normally wears her bikini on these bike rides. But, I don't think I could handle that right now. I mean, it would be torture .. like putting an alcoholic in charge of a liquor store. I'm only human. Things are hard enough already. Think I'll find a polite excuse to pass. I just wish life would get easy for a while: simple, uncomplicated, carefree. Maybe those days are gone forever. Sure seems that way. The good news is my appetite has returned. Yesterday was the first day in weeks I ate cuz I was actually hungry, and not cuz I was making myself eat. Had 2 tacos, with rice & beans, and was *still* hungry. Before, it would be two bites and I was full. Emotional distress, as I'm sure you know, has a way of obliterating the appetite. |
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