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When we encounter tough times (like I did this past year) I think we survive by disconnecting somewhat, psychically .. cuz, at the time, the bad stuff is too much to handle. Later, as life returns to normal, we begin to re-integrate the pieces of our traumatized psyche. That's when we begin to deal with the yucky emotions stored from those tough times. At least that's how it works for me. When the sh!t hits the fan of life, we can't afford to lose it. So we shunt negative emotions, in order to focus on the crisis at hand .. undebilitated by the intensifying distortion that accompanies emotional upheaval. That's kinda where I am now. Feeling emotionally whacked today. The war is over. Time to pick up the pieces of my post-nuclear life and move on. I can actually feel myself re-integrating. ••• continued ••• Whew. You don't realize how far away you've been until you head for home. Here is where a special friend can help .. (I'm not sure it can be done solo) .. processing all those toxic emotions. (I have a lake full.) My special friend has an antidote, which she dispenses at regular intervals. Her anti-venom neutralizes toxins, makes the bad stuff go away, one vat at a time. Whoosh, like a power flush. A little love neutralizes a lot of hate. I've been sharing experiences regarding the new relationship, but privately, I've been scrutinizing things .. taking an emotionally cautious approach .. (the Dog calls it the whipped-pup syndrome) .. probably cuz the previous relationship turned so nasty. But I can now see, months later, she's the real deal. It's like finding a species you thought was extinct. Seems surreal. Just thought I'd share some of that. My life feels like it has turned a corner. Feels good to have somebody there to wipe away your tears. I've cried so many of them alone. With that said, I'm now going to write a check to Uncle Sam (taxes). Been putting it off for weeks. A few thousand dollars. All this money I been making with the Google ads you see hosted here, is (unfortunately) taxable. Not quite the free money tree I thought it would be. The idea of writing that check makes me swallow hard. Cuz I have so many legal bills to pay, and I haven't paid any Google taxes all year. Also have to pay matching social security (another way of saying double social security), cuz Uncle Sam considers me self-employed .. (or so my tax lady says). In other news, I had the little guy today. Started the day by watching surfers from the Newport Beach pier (on the Balboa peninsula). Lots of Asian guys there, fishing at the end of the pier. He said da-da today for the first time. Pretty cool. Wish I could post some pictures, cuz he's really beautiful. If you came looking for technical insights, the guys in the forums can help. They're not whacked out, like me. (Or maybe it's just the full moon.) |
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