When I saw the movie World Trade Center, for example, a few nights ago, I felt sad during the sad parts, which is normal, cuz I knew *why* I felt that way.
But yesterday, I didn't know why .. which makes me feel .. uh, out of control .. weird, and of course, curious. Certainly not reassuring.
Maybe it was simply a delayed reaction to some previous life-disappointment .. or maybe the sadness I felt while watching the movie somehow tapped into an inner sadness lingering somewhere below the surface.
••• today's entry continued here •••
Actually, during the movie, I remember getting in touch with (during the sad parts) a reservoir of sadness, I'd been unaware of. (Denial is a wonderful thing.) But after the (sad) movie, I didn't feel sad. (Felt numb.)
Sadness is a relatively new phenomenon for me, so I don't have much experience dealing with it .. especially when I don't know *why* I'm feeling that way (which suks).
I don't feel angry. Even yesterday, I found myself laughing at some things people said, so it's not like I've lost my sense of humor.
I remember feeling like a good cry might help, but I'm not very good at crying. Back when my folks were dying, I found I could only cry in the car, while driving (only place I felt safe enough).
There have been girlfriends I could cry with, but those are rare, cuz I need a high degree of (emotional) trust, which I lose pretty easily, especially during the relationship's rockier times, which seem inevitable.
Friends claim that the ability to feel (regardless of what it is you're feeling) is a good thing (healthy) .. and that a lack of emotion can be dysfunctional. Started feeling better after a hot shower last night.
Noticed that the blues come most frequently on Friday eve's and Saturdays, which coincide with bringing the bug back to his mom. Or maybe it has something to do with being tired from caring for him during the previous days. (We do lots of fun stuff.)
Maybe fatigue makes my feelings more prominent, less controllable. Again, I don't know. This is merely speculation .. which is the worst part.
My strategy is to just go with the flow. There was a time in my life when I felt uncomfortable when life felt out of control. Lately however, I've learned to accept that out-of-control feeling and roll with it. Sometimes it takes me to cool places I never would've experienced had I had more control.
My blues are not unbearable. I'm certainly not suicidal. Melancholy might be a better word. I don't fight it, but rather flow with it (walk a little slower, hard to smile, head hangs, try to understand why I'm feeling that way).
I picked up an iron supplement last month that *has* been helping. Feel better today. So maybe I processed some yucky emotional krap from the past. Friends have been telling me to be good to myself.
My buddy, the Dog (who has much emotional insight) says, "If you don't go to your feelings, they come & get you."
He also says, Sad people (not me), tend to run away from their sadness, which chases them thru the sad streets they live on. But happy people (like me) tend to ignore their sadness, which swims below them, feeding on life's misfortunes, until it grows big enough to pull them under. He says, if it ever gets overwhelming, I need to get help.
He thinks, for me, it's a case of "accumulative sadness". I think that's true. The Dog is in his car right now, driving up to Toronto (from New Jersey). He always makes me laugh.
For more along these lines, here's a Google search, pre-configured for the query: sadness depression causes treatment