Thanks for the kind note.

I find it interesting that some people claim to come for the techie stuff, and see no point in the personal. While others come primarily for the blog, and couldn't care less about the geeky stuff.

Yesterday was pretty bad. I think we tend to put on the emotional armor before heading to court .. up go the walls .. the defenses. And a few days afterwards, when the defenses come down, we get to feel the impact of all that disappointment.

Feeling better today, tho.

It's been a couple of weeks since I seen the little guy. Things just seem to continue to worsen.

I could write volumes on the subject, but I don't wanna sound like a sniveling winer.

The bug always gets a big smile on his face whenever he sees me. Then his arms start wavin' around.

I always say, "Holy! Moly!" whenever I see him. It's our way of re-introducing ourselves.

One time, when he was real small, he did something I found remarkable (altho I can't remember what it was anymore), and I said "Holy! Moly!" .. and he shrieked with dee-light.

So I repeated it, and he shrieked again. For some reason, he likes the sound of "Holy! Moly!". So that's our special thing.

I've seen him a total of ~ 20 hours since the 4th of July.

Rad,

I have been there and done that.  I have also had several friends who lost custody and/or visitation rights, usually because of their lifestyles or bad behavior.  I am not suggesting that is why you are in this boat- just a description of some friends.

What I have found is, after the pain of the divorce and separation is worn down it is possible to have much better relations with the children than you would think.  The deal is, its not how often you get to see then but the quality of the time you do spend together.

The most damaging thing I have seen is the ex- bashing each parent does when they have the child.  Bad mouthing the other parent, blaming them for the divorce, blaming them for the child's unhappiness leads to terrible problems when the kids grow up.

Be patient and make the best of the times you two have together.  As he gets older he will know and love you.  That is the best you can do for him and for you.  Also you may want to consider forgiveness for your ex wife.  Youre anger at her will  poison your child.
Richard

Thx for the words of experience.

I don't do drugs or drink (more than one beer at a time a day). My biggest vice is the espresso machine.

He is breastfeeding, and the judge is hispanic, which is a culture that supports breastfeeding. When he first came out and sat down and started ruling, that's where he began, aying what a good thing breastfeeding is. The bug is 9 months old. And I support breastfeeding.

I also feel the judge tried to render the best possible decision. I don't agree, but then again, I am obviously biased. So just knowing that he honestly tried to be fair (you could tell), meant that I was content with the decision, even tho I would've like more time.

I take encouragement from the comment about quality over quantity. That helps.

After dropping him off thursday, I was shaking all the way home. And then on Friday, after dropping him off, I felt like crying. It was close. I've certainly been sad many times these past 4 months, but never had to fight back tears that hard until dropping him off.

And, the strange thing is, I'm not really sure why I was shaking (an involuntary act), nor why I felt like crying. I mean, I have a vague, general *idea* of what the factor are, but I can't put my finger on it .. like I'm in denial about something .. something that might be too hard to handle. Very weird. Especially cuz I normally am pretty logical. Emotions are not my forte. Very strange not to know exactly why I am having these powerful emotional reactions.

Most friends say the same thing .. that it will eventually get better. Some caution it will get worse before better. Can't imagine it getting any worse .. but I've said that many times already, and it keps getting worse.

I am trying to do whatever I can to help us move on. I agreed to do both the pick-ups and drop-offs.

The judge suggested I get Mondays & Thursdays, she suggested my days be put together: thurs/fri, I said okay. She wanted to change the judges suggested hours. I said okay again.

I am trying to be as agreeable & accommodating as possible.