28.August.2008 » Earlier this week, I felt the most alone and despondent I've ever felt. Have two friends I can call any time, to talk about any thing. (The Dog is one.) But neither was available.
Dark Night of the Soul
Very unusual. Never felt anything quite like it. Completely different feeling, like I was alone on this earth. Even thought of Jesus on the cross, just before he died, where he says: "My God, Why hast thou forsaken me?"
To show you how disoriented and desperate I felt, I actually thought of calling the Bug's mom (for comfort) .. before realizing she was the source of these feelings (well, indirectly). So, I was really whacked.
They say the darkest hour is just before the dawn. If true, I must be very close to morning, cuz that was pretty dang dark. Darkest night I've ever known.
The Dog finally called back next day. (He'd been away on a min-vacation.) We talked for hours. He said many nice things, which made me feel better.
24.August.2008 » Yes, I'm alive. (Been getting lotsa mail.) This was the longest I ever went without posting an update .. short of backpacking in Yosemite for a month. Life. It gets gnarly sometimes. (You know the drill.)
Way of the World
Child is born
With a heart of gold
Way of the world
Makes his heart grow cold
I know a little 'bout where that song is coming from.
Friends say I'm being naive. And I can see they're right. (I appreciate straight-talking friends, who have the courage to say things I might not wanna hear.)
I'm also learning that *everybody* has their problems .. even people who seem like their lives are perfect .. especially people who seem like their lives are perfect. I'm talking about BIG problems. Problems that take years to overcome .. or are never fully surmounted.
I've noticed more people approaching me now .. to share extremely sensitive things .. and yes, I can relate. Maybe they sense this, which is why they feel comfortable approaching me with such heart-wrenching stories.
08.August.2008 » I was spit on today (08-08-08). Never been spit on before .. certainly not in my face, nor with such venom (think » cobra). Surprised me more than anything.
Spit in My Face
Someone would have to be pritty-mad to (even want to) spit in your face. Yes, I took a shower .. more however, to wash off the 'intangibles' than any salivary organics.
The anger was palpable. (Literally.) And for no stated reason. Just a general-purpose spray-down .. at high-velocity. Tho I might've sensed a hint of frustration.
I was holding the Bug at the time. My biggest concern is he might pick up on these uh, 'negative' emotions. (Hard not to.)
Othewise, spitting is so .. low-class. Juvenile. Ill-bred. What kind of person spits on someone? (After kindergarten.)
05.August.2008 » Hello August. Feeling pressure. Next month » D-day. I'm normally good at handling stress, but this has been relentless .. like white-water rafting for weeks, or months. Actually, it's been years (plural). And here come the rapids.
If you listen carefully, you can hear things starting to crack. Tension. Makes life interesting.
Told the Dog yesterday, "I just want to be bored for one day. One day. Is that too much to ask?"
The dust won't settle 'til next month, but today was the first time I actually felt an air of victory .. like uh, that ol' dog ain't gonna bark no mo'. The writing is on the wall. (Thou art weighed in the balances and found wanting.)
The Bug's Digital Milestone.dev
Kid's software program at the library lets him click on a variety of colors (using paint-bucket palate-tool) and apply color to a picture by clicking on things such as » clouds (white), sun (yellow), trees (green), and sky (blue).
With click-n-drag, he can create rectangles or ovals, depending on the tool selected. To the ordinary observer these skills might seem trivial, but (as a certified geek) I recognized the development as a significant milestone in the digital age.
Today's entry continues in Ye Olde Rad Blog III .. see here » Long-term Stress + Bug's Digital Milestone.dev + Audio Nostalgia + Virtual Machines + The D Word