» Radiation tri-blade » I should probably note that my email accounts have been hacked .. for some time now.

Email Accounts Hacked

I have detailed the circumstances behind this hack on my » Contacts page.

So if you have received an email from me in the last several months, then it is probably bogus.

From some hacker pretending to be me.

No Money Fucknuts

If you happen to know this hacker, then tell Fucknuts that it is a stupid idea to hack people who have no money (since last July).

They are just wasting their time trying to extract money from me. (I have not had a thousand dollars in a long time.)

Right now I cannot even afford the $5 a month to keep open my bank account. (It sucks not having a bank account.)

[ So if the site goes away in the next month or so .. then you will know that I was not able to scrape together the monthly webhosting fees ($56). ]

This is the same bank account that I had when that teller said to me, "I just want you to know that I sucked my thumb until I was twelve years old."

The Child Support People Wiped Out My Last $65

The child support people say that I owe them between $45K and $50K. I cannot even afford the interest on this amount.

They sent a "legal action process" to my bank to try and get this money that I dont have. (Which they have done many times before.) I had $65 of SSI money left in my account, but my bank charges $100 to process their legal action.

So they get nothing from me, but my bank took the last $65 of SSI money that I had.

After my bank account was wiped out (yet again) I deposited $11 in cash .. in order to try and keep my account open ($5/month service fee) .. but they took that too.

So it has become clear that it is an exercise in futility trying to keep open my bank account .. and I only have some nickels and dimes left. (No more paper money .. I spent my last two $1 bills at Starbucks on a medium coffee last week.)

I have been in Worse Situations

But these trials and tribulations are not life-threatening .. so I just roll with them. I have been in more difficult situations, and I am not about the money.

And there is a part of me that actually enjoys facing down challenging situations and circumstances.

I know that I have the thing .. so I catch myself saying to the Writer in me, "I can't wait to see how we are going to get out of this predicament."

Genuinely Grateful Just to be Alive

As previously mentioned, I have a number of things left over from the cancer treatment .. but I am just glad to be alive.

I am genuinely glad to be alive and I feel a genuine sense of gratitude for the simple things in life .. such as witnessing the arrival of a new season.

Which arrives Wednesday, 20 March 2019 at 2:58 PM here on the Left coast.

Looking for a New Place to Live

I am looking for a new place to live. So if you happen to know of somebody with a spare house house, or a spare room .. then I am interested .. preferably in Orange county, so I can be close to my son.

After my SSI ran out, my friends said that they need my room for somebody who can help them more than I can.

I am not able to help them like I could before cancer treatment, which has left me in a more fragile state .. both physically and emotionally.

So I can certainly understand their point .. because I struggle just trying to take care of myself.

I have already submitted my name to multiple listings that deal with homeless people .. but they dont get serious about helping you find a place to live until you are "already living someplace uninhabitable" .. I am simply in no kind of condition to live someplace uninhabitable.

Plus I have no cash, no car, no driver's license, no credit card, three or four broken teeth in my mouth, with one tooth having two corners broken off, and a voice-box with radiation scarring that begins to fatigue after an hour or so of talking.

Plus, I hate asking family for help. It makes me feel like krap. (I have started receiving $192 a month for food stamps .. but you cannot buy soap or shampoo or anything but food with this card that they give you.)

Anyway .. all my stuff is already boxed up and ready to go. As soon a super-hottie shows up here with a small U-Haul truck and two strong dudes .. I can be out of here in under an hour. I am ready to go right now. (I have been ready since Christmas.)

Did I mention that I am ready to go right now. T minus 60 minutes and I am outta here.

Long-Term Stress is Not Good for the Cancer Survivor Because Stress Weakens the Immune System

But the stress of the whole thing is not good for the cancer survivor. All of my doctors say that long-term stress is not good .. for anybody .. especially not for the cancer survivor .. because stress weakens your immune system. (Selena knows what I am talking about.)

And nobody wants to be somewhere where they are not wanted .. especially not the cancer survivor.

Every time I get a call from the child support people telling me that I owe them shitloads of money, or a letter telling them that they will garnish any money that I do happen to get .. this triggers my anxiety.

So I just throw their their mail in the trash and delete their calls.

I am just trying to stay alive and I have nothing that they can take because they already took all my money and my driver's license and I sold my car to pay child support.

You can't get blood out of a turnip. They have already put me in jail multiple times for not being able to pay what they said I need to pay.

First they order to pay more than I can afford, and then, when I can't pay it .. they put me in jail .. repeatedly .. which is why I say that the SYSTEM is really about the money.

I was paying child support while I was getting SSI ($650 a month) .. which left me very little to live on.

If they want to put me in jail again .. then they know where I live .. because they sent me nasty mail all the time.

Have Not Seen My Son Since Cancer Treatment

I have not seen my son since cancer treatment (more than 4 years now). I am simply not that strong yet .. to make my way to Orange county.

I have not even talked to him in some 18 months. I could not even leave him a message telling him that I love him .. because the message box on his mom's phone was always full.

The last thing I heard from him was a message saying that he would "try to get mom to delete some of her messages."

That was the last I ever heard from him .. and I am not able to fight her. I simply dont have the strength .. either physically or emotionally. And she is way better at fighting than me. (She knows how to fight dirty.)

And the courts always take her side in these things (.. except for the Harvard Law lady judge, who was only there a very short period). The court gave her veto power over me .. so she makes all the decisions regarding our son.

They wrote in the court order (something like) "Parents should try to work shit out .. but if they can't agree, then, whatever the mom decides goes, and the dad has to do whatever the mom says."

Perhaps you can see why dealing with this stuff makes me feel depressed .. because we never agree. On anything. (Ever.)

My Shrink is Steering Me to Confront the Most Depressing Aspects of My life

My shink has started dealing with me regarding this issue .. which is definitely the most troubling aspect of my life right now.

I did not want to talk about this aspect .. but he steered me in this direction. I was simply avoiding the whole situation .. because I did not feel strong enough to deal with it.

"How Old is Your Son?" (A Valentine's Day Story)

I was talking about something completely different, and, out of the blue, he interrupted me mid-sentence and said, "How old is your son?"

I immediately felt depressed. I gathered my shit together as best possible and told him how old he was, and said, "This is the most difficult thing I deal with. I dont feel ready to go there yet."

Forced to Confront Things that We Dont Feel Ready to Confront

He did not care that I wasnt ready to go there, and he said, "Let me tell you a story."

He told me a story about his own dad, and his mom, and his situation growing up .. which bore striking similarities to my own situation.

I am not going to tell you his story because it is a very personal story. He was brutally honest with me about his experiences growing up.

I Got Sick as Shit that Very Night

It made me feel like hammered dog shit when he shared his story with me .. but I appreciated him sharing it. I got the message.

I felt numb walking out of his office that day. (Valentine's day.) I was definitely tweaked. Dazed and confused. Disoriented.

I told my shrink, "I have thought about it .. and if I made an appointment to take the train up to Orange county to see him .. and she trick-fucks me, and she is not there when I arrive .. which she has done countless times before .. I do not know that I am strong enough to handle that. I am still pretty fragile from the treatment."

The night of the very same day that he started dealing with me about confronting this uncomfortable aspect of my life .. I got sick as shit. It was like you snapped your fingers .. and I immediately felt sick (about 10PM) .. with the lung crud.

I was feeling very depressed. (I was just telling Rita about this.)

The last time that something like this happened .. where I got sick as shit after feeling very depressed .. was when I heard the news about Julie Allen.

Confronting these things, as you might imagine, makes me feel defeated. It brings back many memories that are far from pleasant. Very far.

I have been sleeping a lot more lately. I tend to sleep more when I feeling depressed. On the good side, I have not been feeling anxious.

I told my shrink last week, "Feeling depressed doesnt bother me very much. I just sleep more. I would much rather feel depressed than anxious."

» Radiation tri-blade » I went down to the Moores Cancer Center this week .. for my 6-month check-up. I am 3 years out.

Three Years Out and Starting to Feel Stronger

My check-ups have been falling on the first week of spring and the first week of autumn.

It just so happened to work out that way .. but I like it.

I never used to feel grateful for the arrival of a new season. But now I feel grateful without even trying. I am no-shit glad to be alive.

My exact 3-year anniversary fell back on January 26. I called the Clinical Trials girl and said, "I'm 3 years out today. I'm feeling good. I'm feeling grateful. I'm glad to be alive. I just want to let you know that I'm thinking of you and the doctors there at Moores. See you in couple months."

I was surprised when she picked up. She is usually away from her desk. So normally I just leave a message. It was nice that we had a chance to chat. I like her.

Immunotherapy is the future of Oncology.

Anyway, on this particular week, my appointment happened to fall on the exact first day of spring. The vernal equinox fell on Tuesday the 20th at 9:15 AM PDT.

Moores Cancer Center in La Jolla | Main Lobby

And it was a spectacularly gorgeous day. Downright luscious. I could feel God smiling.

I am glad that spring has arrived. The winters are tougher for the cancer survivor. The cold affects you more. It blows right through you.

These days when I go to Moores are always trippy for me. Sometimes I can feel the emotions swarming not far beneath the surface.

I now have the advantage of perspective that comes with firsthand experience and the distance that comes with three years.

Being 3 years out is better than during treatment, or during your first year out, or even during your second year out.

I always leave home early so that I can spend a little time down there and look around and see all the new buildings and whatnot that they are building there.

It seems like there is constantly new construction going on somewhere or other down there.

» I Received Your Christmas Letter, Oscar

Before I forget, I want to tell Oscar from Spain that I received his annual Christmas letter. He writes every Christmas. For years now. I now look forward to receiving these annual updates from him. Where he always shares interesting insights from the politics there and in Europe.

I see you, too, Jehu.

» I Am Surprised at How Much Better I Feel Compared to Last Year

The #1 thing that I would like to report from 3 years out .. is that, I feel considerably better than I did at 2 years out.

I confess that I had the idea in my head that the way I felt at 2 years out would be the way I would be left with after treatment.

My oncologists were talking here about moisture in my mouth following a return of the salivary glands, which get cooked from all the radiation.

They were also talking about things like my sense-of-taste returning. But I somehow expanded these conversations to mean that the way I felt at 2 years out would be the way that I would feel from that point on.

The problem was that I wasnt feeling very great at two years out. Nowhere near where I was before treatment began.

After spending a few years in a new environment .. you start to figure out a few things.

» The Best I have Felt Since Treatment Ended

On the road to recovery from cancer treatment .. which is no short road .. the thing that the cancer survivor is really looking for .. is a return to that place where you had the same vim and vigor and energy and stamina that you had before.

It may be difficult to put into words the thing that I am looking for .. but I know exactly what it is. I know exactly what it feels like.

Anyway, I am so happy that I was not limited to how I felt at 2 years out. I told my oncologist, "This is the best I've felt since treatment ended. I feel considerably better than I did at 2 years out. I am actually starting to develop a sense of physical stamina."

» That was a Very Stupid Thing to Do

Shortly after I was determined by my doctors to be cancer-free, I knew that I wanted to move beyond this thing and return to the place where I was, physically speaking .. as quickly as possible.

So I did what I usually do when I want to become physically fit. I pushed myself physically. I kept going even after I was tired.

The next day, I thought, "Oh, that was a very stupid thing to do." I was so tired that it hurt in ways that I cannot even describe to you .. in a way that you will understand.

It feels like every cell in your body is hurting and telling you continually that what you did was a very stupid, which you should not have done.

It took me 2 weeks before my ass stopped dragging from that. It was actually 2½ weeks before I felt normal again. So I learned that I was operating, physically, in a new world .. where I cannot physically do what I had done before.

I have learned that physical recovery is a much more gradual thing than you would prefer. The slope to physical recovery is much more gradual and much longer than you could imagine.

At the end of this 2½ weeks, I was not in any better shape .. because I couldnt do anything but try to rest. But finally, some 3 years later, I am now starting to develop a degree of physical stamina. Physical endurance. Physical fitness.

And no, it has not been easy. About 6 months ago I began in earnest to try a regain a degree of physical stamina.

» You Almost Need to be Neurotic About It

The mindset that you need to accomplish such a thing is close to fanatical. You almost need to be neurotic about getting in shape. Because you never feel like it.

The endeavor has not been without setbacks. The path not linear.

I have learned that the more I think about it, the less likely I am do exercise that pushes me physically.

Everybody agrees that regular physical exercise, when done smartly, is a good thing. But getting to the gym is another story. You know what I am saying.

And for the cancer survivor .. the distance between knowing that I should do this thing and actually doing it .. this is a long ways, my friend. This is a lot of ground to cover.

I had been waiting for some type of pre-treatment vigor and strength to return .. because I felt exhausted much of the time.

» Returning from a Place of Profound Physical and Emotional Exhaustion

After treatment you are exhausted, as you might imagine, both physically and emotionally. You are actually beyond exhausted, but that's another story.

I remember telling the Dog, "I did not know that you could be this tired and still be alive."

You have definitely been to places that you did not even know existed. And these are not very nice places to visit. Nobody goes to places like this unless they absolutely must.

But you do not really mind this deep sense of exhaustion because you are glad to be alive, and glad to be declared cancer-free.

» Year-One Compared to Year-Two

I did pretty-much nothing but rest for most of that first year. I may have walked up the street a hundred yards and back .. but not very often.

The cancer survivor spends most of that first year just putting on the weight he lost during treatment. I started at 180 and dropped to 140 frighteningly fast. I have put back on half that weight, and now hang out at 160-ish. Maybe 162. .. if you caught me coming out of In-n-Out. But I am comfortable here.

It takes the cancer survivor a considerable amount of body-energy to build back 20 pounds. I think that this is why you dont feel like doing much of anything but resting for that entire first year.

» I Could Not Seem to Make Any Progress in the Fitness Category

The second year was very stop-n-go. I could go a few days, but I could not sustain any type of pushing it. And I was still fatigued much of the time. If I pushed it, my ass would drag for days. And felt beyond merely tired.

For much of the second year, it didnt feel like I could make progress physically speaking. I would do something to stress myself physically, and then get tired and rest for a number of days. But I just seemed to return to the place I had began. I could not sustain anything. I could not build on anything.

This deep sense of exhaustion wanes as you move away from treatment .. but the gains are far more gradual, and you must work for them 5 times as hard.

I try not to think about it. I try to just do it, without thinking about it. Because, if I think about it, I can easily come up with a million excellent excuses for why I shouldnt do this today.

The voice in my head says, "Dude, if this is so hard, and the gains are so muted .. why are we even bothering?"

But I really wanted to look good for my oncologist. It almost felt like you are going on a date with a girl who you want to impress. So I just stayed with it .. despite the seemingly miniscule gains and herculean effort required.

In the beginning days, I would just come home and lie down on the bed and pass out cold. I would be shakey-tired. And I am not talking about any great feats here.

» It Affects So Much of Your Life

The thing that makes it difficult to move beyond this thing .. this treatment thing .. is that if affects so much of your life.

Every time you swallow, you are reminded of treatment. If you talk for more than 5 or 10 minutes .. you are reminded of treatment.

I could go on and one here .. with my stomach and food and taste and other things .. but my point is that this is not an easy thing to move beyond .. because it affects so much of your life.

The head guy who ran the radiation machines told me near the end of my treatment, "I think that the reason why your treatment may be the most difficult of all .. is because it affects so much of your life."

If anybody would know...

» The Place Where I was Before Treatment Began

Speaking of great feats .. before treatment I could run the hill here outside the house » 4 times. Walk down, run up.

It's probably the length of a football field. I have actually run it 6 times .. but that kicked my ass severely.

Even in the days before treatment began, after I had been diagnosed, I was still running the hill .. because it helped tame the anxiety.

The anxiety that follows a positive diagnosis .. it is severe. I had no problem checking off the box labeled severe in my weekly questionnaires that asked about anxiety.

[ During teatment they gave me generic Ativan, which I found very effective against anxiety. I would take one at bedtime and sleep like a baby. It is a nice, clean type of feeling. Not like the narcotics. ]

» I Got the Message .. in a Big Way

I still remember the last time that I ran the hill. It was during the very first week of treatment. Sure, I felt like shit .. but I have run before when I wasnt feeling so great. And I usually fely better after the physical exertion.

But not this time. My body let me know in no uncertain terms that this was a » very stupid thing to do. I was hurting badly .. for quite a while. I got the message. I got the it in a big way. And I never did run that hill again.

It was a dark place for me .. where this thing I could always do .. now I could no longer do. And I didnt know if I would ever do it again.

» When Half a Hill is a Glass Half Full

I would like to report that, very recently, I have run HALF the hill. First I started just walking it. Then I would run 10 steps or so. Then 20, then 30. It took a long time (months) .. but now I can run half the hill.

Of course, the second half of the hill is much harder .. which is why I am not doing it. (Yet.) The day when I can run the hill once .. this will be a big day for me. Not very long ago, this seemed like such an impossible feat.

I am so happy that I can run the hill again (okay, half the hill) .. that I dont even care how sore my legs get the next day.

Sometimes they feel pretty rubbery .. but I dont even care, because the soreness reminds me of what I could not do .. for nearly three years.

"My legs havent felt this sore in a long time," I think.

» Transitioning to Annual Check-Ups

My oncologist is going to see me in another 6 months, and then we will switch to an annual check-up schedule .. alternating with my ENT surgeon.

Going to a year .. this seems like such a head-trip. I mean, it's a good thing. A good sign. A sign that things are going well.

I remember when my Chemo oncologist dumped me right after my 4-month PET scan came back good, saying that I didnt need her any more.

That was such a strange feeling. I mean, it was a good thing .. but it somehow didnt feel that way.

This guy, my radiation oncologist, he is a teaching doctor. He always has some cool, smart student with him. This week he actually had two students. One from Brazil .. who told me where not to go in Brazil.

(I slept at this Brazillian chick's place one night .. a half-block from the beach in Santa Monica .. after she had spent a night at my place in Laguna. No sex was involved, but I admit that I am fascinated by other cultures .. how they see the world. We went to breakfast in the morning .. and I had a lot of questions.)

I learn a lot from listening to him talk to his students. He is a good teacher.

They spray the cocaine up my left nostril and run a scope up through my sinuses and down into my voice box .. where they look around .. on a TV screen that I can't see.

Sometimes when they are talking their medical lingo .. and they are talking about the things that they are seeing .. I dont really want to know exactly what they are talking.

What I really want to hear is when he pulls the scope out and turns to me and says, "I dont see anything that looks like cancer."

» Reflections from Day #23

I want to cite for you something I wrote when I was 23 days out .. which is the worst of the worst. See here.

Between you and me .. the thing I am really looking forward to .. is that day when it occurs to me .. that this 'thing' .. this cancer thing & especially the EFFECTS of its brutal treatment regimen .. is/are behind me.

I cannot say that today, tho. Because this 'thing' is all up in my ass, presently. Like a toothy croc munching on your butt.

My chemo doctor told me that "the three weeks after treatment ended" would be the worst-of-the-worst .. due to the 'cumulative' effects. If anybody would know.

» You Know the Worst is Over .. But It Doesnt Feel that Way

The chemo fucks up your blood .. which fucks you up. You can watch the numbers on the counts plummet over a number of weeks.

You do not know the meaning of the term 'anemia' until you've had a chance to experience a few chemo infusions. I remember one of my doctors saying, when I was on the way to recovering .. I remember him saying, "Whenever hemoglobin falls below 11, I start to get worried."

During treatment, my hemoglobin was waaay below eleven. Like 7 and change. This is the reason why you feel so tired .. on a level that it is not possible for me to adequately describe .. if you have never actually experienced it.

For my second (of three) chemo 'infusions' .. my counts were too low for chemo. My neutrofils were too low, a type of white blood cell. They check your blood right before chemo. That morning. They pull your blood and run it straight to the lab.

An hour later, they sent me home and said, "Come back next week, and we'll try again."

So, at this point, on day #23, when I was writing this bit .. I was at the END of the worst-of-the-worst. Now, merely knowing that the worst is behind .. this brings a degree of comfort, sure. The only problem here is that your body is not feeling that comfort. No, sir. Not hardly.

We are talking about a very dark place .. physically speaking. I remember thinking, "I know that they're not trying to kill me .. but, it kind of feels like it."

» Revisiting a Bad Place from a Position of Strength

I did something this during visit that I have never done .. in the last three years » I brought along my treatment planner with me. My 2-month laminated treatment planner (Dec/Jan). The one with a big black X over every day of treatment. The one that the Clinical Trials girl made for me.

I had written much info on that planner .. such as appointment times and pick-up times, and confirmation numbers. And many things changed along the way .. so there were numerous updates. Along with a number of key phone numbers.

Every one of those X's .. let me tell you .. was earned. (Abel knows what I am talking about.) The old-fashioned way. The hard way.

The difference between wanting to move beyond this thing, and actually being beyond it .. this is quite some difference, my friend. Quite some distance.

You may be done with the worst of the worst .. but the worst of the worst is not done with you. Not by a long shot. I know you feel me.

» The Thing I So Looked Forward to Is Finally Here

I showed it to my doctor, and his students .. of when I was in the 'thick' of it.

This is my way of revisiting a bad place from a position of strength. He saw me then, and he sees me now, and he is a witness of sorts to the difference.

From where I was .. to where I went .. to where I am now .. this is quite some arc.

There was definitely a death-n-rebirth pattern to the whole experience .. these last three years. That aspect was not lost on me. No, sir. Not hardly.

There is a passage in Psalms that talks about how » "Their soul abhorred all kinds of food, and they drew near to the gates of death."

I get that verse better than most people. Much better.

I could not say this thing last year. I could not say that I felt like I was beyond this thing. But now I can say this. This is how I move beyond these things.

» The Inspiring Courage of Those Survivors of Sexual Abuse in Gymnastics

I have been thinking about the dynamics associated with moving beyond bad things .. because of these gymnastic girls. These remarkably brave gymnastic girls. And I doubt that I am the only one.

Very inspiring, these girls. It takes years to move beyond some things. And it's not easy. Oprah knows what I am talking about.

» Coping Mechanisms Constructed in Childhood Can Become Hindrances Later in Life

This 7-minute video from the Academy says that the things we construct as children as ways to deal with difficulties .. can become the very things that work against us later in life as adults.

I have found this to be true in my own life. This has been my experience. At first, I didnt want to admit it .. but I kept bumping into the same things. The same issues. I could see the problem(s).

A strength over-used quickly becomes a liability .. as everybody knows in the field of personal and professional development.

This is because you keep relying on this thing that has worked for you in the past. But now you need to develop other skills .. because you are now in a different environment. A different situation.

Your life as an adult consists of different circumstances .. where these coping mechanisms that you constructed in childhood are now interfering with your functioning as a adult .. where more maturity is expected of you than is expected of a child.

Quote from Alice Miller (1923-2010)

I know that this seems obvious .. but putting these concepts of personal and professional development into practice .. this is more difficult that it first appears from a distance. Considerably more.

» Speaking to a Thing in an Authoritative Voice .. Yet Lacking Firsthand Experience

Though Tony Robbins - a big, strong, powerful, wealthy white male - needs to educate himself more. I would have thought that he wouldve had a better grasp of optics.

I give him credit for his response statement, tho. Because it is easy to see how someone like him could be blind to the intracacies of #MeToo. No?

Tony Robbins apologizes

He is the opposite of a small, weak, poor, young, vulnerable girl. The model-of-life that he constructs will not incorporate many of these types of viewpoints. (I feel like I am stating the obvious here.)

For him, #MeToo was about other things (» significance and certainty) .. as compared to the women in it. You cannot speak to things for which you have no firsthand experience.

Well, you can certainly speak to them .. but your voice cannot stand up against the firsthand experiences of the women themselves. You can comment and speculate all you like .. but in the end, you must defer on the grounds of firsthand experience. (This is how I see it.)

It was a strikingly ignorant thing to say. You almost can't believe what you're hearing. "It's not about significance," I caught myself saying to Tony. "It's about being able to do your job without being sexually harassed. Duh."

And notice how I didnt even mention the apparent lack of compassion. But no one will deny that he was articulating his perspective and views of the #MeToo movement .. and particularly, how bad it is for men who are in positions of power.

I am sure that there is a woman or two somewhere who wanted to tell him "Go fuck yourself, Tony .. mister new age enlightenment."

His response gave me the sense that he was genuinely contrite, and not merely trying to save himself financially. (I could be wrong, sure.)

That lady called him out publicly. That's not easy to do. It's not even easy to speak in front of an auditorium full of people. Good for her.

» I Took Margot Robbie Home with Me from Moores

You know .. last spring, when I was down at Moores for my 2-year-out check-up .. I stumbled upon this magazine there on the table in front of me while I was sitting in the waiting area of Radiation Oncology (.. facing the bamboo garden) .. which contained a feature on Katie Holmes.

Many things in that article spoke to me. I had already been writing secret love letters to Katie Holmes. .. since she is now a director-chick .. and I happen to have some experience with director-chicks.

I like director-chicks. Director-chicks know how kick ass and take names. (And they always want to have plenty of sex. You have to pace yourself with a director-chick. And you will need to be in excellent shape.)

I could not help but notice how she was just cast in Lucky Logan (2017) as Bobbie Jo Chapman, ex of Channing Tatum's character.

Katie Holmes as Bobbie Jo Chapman in Lucky Logan (2017)

She is the reason why Channing's character is planning to blow up a bank vault with famed bank-vault blower, Joe Bang.

And she says things to him like, "I have full custody. You are shit. You have no money. I am moving out of the state next month with our little girl, because you suck as a father, and you dont smell very nice, either .. to be quite honest. So please shower before you come knocking on the door of my very fancy house. And besides, I have a Pilates class that I need to get to."

I may be adlibbing there a bit .. but suffice to say that it is too easy for me to put myself into this scene. Almost impossible not to.

» I Knew that I Shouldnt and I Tried Not To

Anyway, when I was down there at Moores earlier this week, I was naturally cautious about picking up a magazine. Then I saw that giant one with Margot Robbie on the cover.

I knew that I probably shouldnt, and I tried to resist the urge to touch it .. but she was simply too much for me. This is the November 2017 issue of W.

Margot Robbie on the cover of W magazine

I was already done with my appointment and lunch and simply waiting for my ride, who said that he'd be there in 10 or 15 minutes.

When I saw that photo of Katie Holmes on the cover last year, I didnt recognize her at first .. until I read the text there beside her face. But when I saw Margot Robbie .. I knew exactly who it was. (Brad Pitt knows what I am talking about.)

I took the magazine home with me. I stole Margot Robbie from the Moores Cancer Center. I got her right here with me.

She is an interesting girl .. for a number of reasons. My ego is convinced that she likes me.

She was nominated for an Oscar for Best Actress this year for her portrayal of Tonya Harding. She is not just another pretty face. Just being nominated along with such a group of talent, and being recognized by your peers .. that must be a great feeling.

Allison Janney, who played her mom, her shitty mom, won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress.

» The Art-n-Craft of Convincingly Becoming Someone Else

In this article that I am reading about Margot .. the very last passage before the black diamond reads »

"I understand them both, but I miss Tonya more. Some characters, like Daphne, I can let go of very quickly. But not Tonya. I'm still not done with her. I found it hard to shake her off."

I have always wondered about the ability of the actor to deal with the dynamics of becoming another person .. to a very convincing degree .. of being completely consumed by this character .. and then moving on from there .. when the film is over .. when the carnival is over.

This seems like such a sketchy thing to me. What is the difference between acting well and temporary psychosis?

They say that this was one of the things that made River Phoenix vulnerable .. that he had trouble separating the two. He would get 'stuck' so to speak .. in the character, right?

I am interested, I confess, about the rituals that an actor might embrace in order to discharge the remnants of a character. I mean, this is how you move on to the next character.

What if the actor works all the time, and doesnt spend much time as just themself? Then what?

Such a thing smacks of a psychological daredevil, no?

I think that the reason why I am interested in such things .. is because I dont think that I would like to do that. (I have enough trouble just trying to be myself.)

» Countless Times in Some Other Lifetime

As I was looking at the photos of Margot there in the magazine spread, my ego was convinced that we mustve made love countless times in some other lifetime, or in some other universe. She probably hears this kind of thing a lot.

» Margot is a Wow Girl

Notice how they portray her as a Wow Girl at the end of this trailer for Terminal (2018). I know a wow girl myself. Wow girls make you say 'Wow' a lot. Scooter knows what I am talking about.

I dont think that they necessarily try to do this. Rather, I think that they just can't help themselves. It is when they are most just being themselves .. when you find yourself saying 'Wow' the most.

So I guess that it was just a matter of time before I wrote about her.

More later.

There is a blue moon occurring later this month on the 31st.

» Radiation tri-blade » I can feel the opiods kicking in now. I had a root canal earlier today. This was my second. My first was just last week. Six days ago. They have me on antibiotics. Amoxicillan.

First Root Canal

I just took a half-pill. I have never taken more than half .. being the lightweight cancer survivor that I am.

Back before cancer treatment ever began, my dentist told me that I should have all my teeth yanked out because he had seen before what happens to patient's teeth after this cancer treatment .. where they blast your mouth and throat with phenomenal amounts of radiation, including your salivary glands, which get cooked microwave-style.

He said, "A year or two later and all your teeth rot out at the gum-line and then you need 28 root canals."

I was shaking walking out of that dentist's office. As if I didnt already have enough problems to be concerned about with a positive diagnosis for squamous-cell carcinoma .. which had already killed plenty of people.

Well .. I am 2½ years out now, and I just had my second root canal today. I never had a root canal before last week. My teeth have been pretty good, most of my life. My mom told me that "good teeth" were one of the reasons why she married my dad.

The Gist of the Problem

I am seeing now what the problem is regarding these root canals. Sometimes my salivary glands seem fine. But sometimes they dont. And I am not really sure why they sometimes seem to work better than at other times.

But a root canal is required when the decay goes far enough down into the tooth. Most cavities form on the crown, which is further from the root.

But the dry mouth makes the area around your gum-line more susceptible to problems. They tell you this even before cancer treatment begins. It is a known problem. Well known. (I do lots of rinsing with warm salty water and baking soda. This feels good.)

And if you dont catch the cavity right away .. because the gum-line is already so close to the root .. these types of things quickly become fodder for root canals.

I dont need any more root canals. Just these two. Both of these are from the little teeth in the middle on the bottom. Easy to get to.

» New Radiation Machines

Regarding the difference between my dentist's orally apocalyptic predictions .. and my own existential reality .. might be due to the new radiation machines that were invented within the last decade or so.

These new machines 'sculpt' the radiation .. to where you want it to go, and away from those places where you do not want it.

It is a very math-intentive operation .. which is different for every patient. Because every patient is different.

From a techno-geeky perspective from someone who loves to learn how shit works .. especially cool shit .. these machines were giving me a total boner.

And then, to see these machines passing slowly right in front of your faces .. maybe 12 inches away .. well, this was something entirely. You can actually see the pins moving and adjusting as the head passing right there in front of your face. (Which is bolted down firmly using a formed plastic mesh .. so you dont move at all.)

They are doing some serious-ass science on your ass. And I was able to appreciate what they were doing better than most patients. I only wish that I didnt feel like such hammered dog crap while they were doing these things to me.

I also have two broken teeth .. in the back, on the bottom. They need crowns. But that's another story.

» It Felt Like the Pain Went Down into My Soul

Speaking of another story .. my housemate back when I was living in San Clemente said that he needed a root canal when he was a kid and that his dad was too cheap to spring for a shot of Novocaine. "It hurt so bad," he told me, "that it felt like the pain went down into my soul."

Today's root canal hurts worse than the one I had last week. Last week, I didnt even need any pain meds. I was so stoked.

But this week, for this tooth, they shoved a metal rod down into my jaw bone .. as extra support for the tooth. That sucker hurt when he did that. Ouch. I am sitting here with a piece of ice pressed against my lower jaw and that feels much better.

This guy knows his shit. Root canals and crowns .. this is all he does. He is an expert in root canals and crowns.

He is very no-drama. Very low-key. Almost bored. Which is nice, because I was feeling very un-bored when I went in last week for that first-ever root canal. He must have said five times, "Let me know if you feel anything and we will stop."

» The Unspeakable Term

The very concept of drilling down into the rotten core of a part of you .. this is not a very pleasant image to hold in mind .. let me tell you.

In the office, they dont even use the words "root canal." They simply say, "RCT." When I overheard them use the term, I said, "What's RCT?"

When they told me, I thought, "Oh, I can see why you use 'RCT' instead."

The girls that run his front office are some of the best I've worked with anywhere. And I have dealt with more front offices than I care to recall. They almost make you look forward to your next root canal.

I probably gave up on this root canal ten times. They are like, "This is not unusual. Dont worry, we will resubmit with a different x-ray." They also had me get a letter from my radiation oncologist .. detailing my treatment and the effects of such treatment. (They liked that letter.)

» Oh My God

Back when they were first planning to blast me with high-energy radiation, I was curious about how much radiation they were planning to use .. because radiation is my thing. My degree is in radiation protection.

Anyway, I didnt want to know. Maybe I was too scared to know. But when this letter came in the mail, I looked at it, naturally, and there were the doses listed .. individual doses (exposures) listed by date and accumulated totals. The letter almost had a legal feel to it.

When I saw these doses that I never wanted to see .. I said, "Oh my God." [ And realized that it was good intuition that I didnt want to know. ]

I thought, "If I ever let somebody get this much radiation, I would've been fired a thousand times over."

» Have a Nice Day

The reason why I so appreciate these front-office people is because they deal with the bureaucratic aspects of getting these procedures approved by the insurance companies. After treatment, the cancer survivor is less equipped, emotionally speaking, to deal with bureaucratic tangles.

One dentist told me, "Your coverage does not cover these procedures. But it does cover extractions .. so we will wait until you need an extraction and then we will pull out your teeth. See you later, and have a nice day."

I may be dramatizing his statement a little .. but that is most certainly the essence of what that dentist said.

» Calling from the Edge of Another Abyss

Every time I encounter such things, and I need someone to talk me away from the edge of the abyss, I call cousin Patti. I said to her, "I hate to just call you, cuz, when I am freaking out .. but you are just so good at it .. at putting things in perspective."

When things are going well for me, we dont talk nearly as much. But she is like, "Dont worry about it .. you can call any time."

» Email Problems

I also want to let readers know that a couple of the unused email accounts that I have were hacked and sending out countless emails for Russian brides. Gmail and Yahoo and some of the big email services blocked the whole site. So I can't SEND emails to folks with those accounts. Which is pretty much everybody.

It just gets immediately bounced back. Even if I am simply replying. I have since deleted these hacked email accounts, but until I straighted things out with Gmail, I can't respond to email.

But I can still receive emails fine. No problemo. (I see you KJ. And I loved the photos of Japan from my South African friend .. who is having a baby girl next month. I am so happy for him. His first. He will definitely be a good dad.)